Because all my life I was chasing to find the 'real me.'....and on the way I experienced the death of two husbands. But it was not until the death of the second husband that I started the route to finding out 'who I was" and it took 75 years for the real me to slowly start materializing.
It started with the need to eat coleslaw that one afternoon, and it brought me into wikiHow. From there, my eyes opened wide as I realized that this was a place to write. My first and only love is for writing. I have written about my pains and my losses, my children and my husbands, my dates, and my friendships, my sadness, and my longings, but never did I write about 'me'. This was because I never knew who I was! I never knew who the real me was . I never had a chance.
I always was someones daughter, and had to listen to what they wanted for me, I was someones mother, and had to do what was best for the children, I was someones wife, and had to take care of a husband, and guide him in his job choices, but I never was 'me'...there was no time for that in my busy life of being something to everyone, and nothing for me.
I never thought of searching, for what good would that be. I never had the time to search, for where would I start?
I wrote an epitaph once, "Here Lies Sondra, she Died without ever knowing who she was"....and I guess that was my life!! up until the death of my dear and loving husband Adrian. The day he died in May of 1989, was the day I started to live, although I had not realized it at the time.
I mourned, and I cried, I wrote and I read what I wrote. I released my pain through my words, and searched an empty house, for him. But he never lived there, so there was no part of 'him' in the house.
I decorated the house, but it was not a home. I made friends and just as quickly lost them to either their moving away, or dying. I moved again, and yet again, until I took a stand, and moved once again, away from the only family I had here, my daughter and grandchildren, all in the quest to find the real me.
It was 5 years later that I talked to a friend on the Internet. She heard about my need and suggested that I give to others. So I made an appointment to meet with a woman who headed the Literacy Group. I kept the appointment, but she was not there. Dejected, I turned and walked away, into the College that was on my path. I entered, just to question, what courses they give, and I left with a receipt that showed I had registered there.
From that day to this, the trip to find me was able to start in earnest, through two years of grueling tests and classes, consisting of Algebra, Statistics, Psycology, and Speech. An acting class was tossed in and the Communications also. I never was absent, and never got less than a B in any class, with many reaching the A level. I was not there to play, but to learn all that I should have learned many years ago, before I married in haste.
I had walked in to the college, frightened and scared, and I walked out proud and on first name basis with all, including the President of the College. I made friends with the young as well as the old.....I walked in at age 63, and walked out at age 36. I graduated with Honors, and framed my degree. I did not continue, but if I did, I would have wanted to be a Social worker and help people. I would be there for them, to listen to and advise. I would show them the way to detach from their problems. I never did this, never had the desire to continue school I had already finished, what I had 'always wished I had done'. I finally had a picture of me wearing a cap and gown, and a College Diploma.
he story I wrote in my book about my life, revealed that at last I knew who I was. I did not realize it as I wrote it...but reading it showed the reflection of the person I was. I looked back in my book, The book of my life, and found the one that I had written, that said..."She died without knowing who she was" and grinned at I compared both of them.
Three wishes I thought, and I had just gotten one. I wondered what would lie ahead, would two more wishes more come true?.....I did not dwell on what would or should or could. I just had to find a life for me now, after college was through.
I always wanted to paint with a brush. Never knowing how to draw more than a child's figure made of sticks, I never tried until just then when I realized that all I needed was a brush and somepaints. they have a name for it, Abstract painting, and I could do that, so I bought an easel, acrylic paints and some small canvases. The larger size scared me, how would I fill it, so I started small, and found it filled much too fast!...
My paintings at first, all looked like fish, I guess the swirl of the brush gave this look, so I named them by fish names until I read, in the Internet how to use brushes and paints and the likes. My paintings no longer looked like fish. My colors were bright, I learned how to use shadings, that glowed in the light. I used many medias, that brought out different looks. and had them framed and hung them all on my wall.
One day I bored, of the same type of work. so I stopped, put away the paints and the easel and the brushes, and searched for yet another type of work, to keep me busy, and keep me learning, and this time I painted Ceramics of all types and styles. I learned how to dry brush, as I already knew the wet style, and bought myself some ceramics figurines to decorate and style. The hardest one, was the first one I did, and no one would believe that I had never done this before. I bought more, and painted more, each time learning more and more throught Internet Connections and sites. I asked questions, and learned how to paint ceramics much the same as I had asked questions and had learned how to use the computer many years before. I never take lessons, because I want to learn from "Me" and not how someone else does it. Remember I was still on the quest to find the real me!! And so I bought more figurines, placques and wall adornments, and started selling them and buying more. but my shoulders were hurting me from the back and forth motions needed in dry brushing, so little by little, my paintings stopped. I packed away the remaining unpainted figures, and put away the brushes. I stored the bottles of paint, and rested for awhile. I had no idea where the next day would take me, and at the time I did not have a clue as to what would lay ahead for me, or what I would do.
Weeks past and then months, and I was getting depressed and very bored. I had dated many and turned many away, and now I wondered if I made a mistake. I was lonely, just me and my cat in a house seemed be missing something, perhaps a man. Maybe I should have not turned away so many, who wanted me, to marry me and move me miles away to live where they lived. Why would I want that I had thought at the time, my life was here, where I lived and where my children were close enough to see. If I settled for a man, to fill the void in my life, I would once again be losing my life!!...
I had been married, I had done that. and wanted it no more. I was on a search now, to find who I was. If I settled now, once again, i would lose all that I was working for, for ever so long. And so I stopped the tears, and stopped asking 'why', why was I destined to grow old alone. I looked at the other couples my age and more, and honestly felt that I would not want to be them. I needed to find the part of me that thrived on learning, doing, and being there for others. It had been 15 years since I was alone, and liked the thought of being able to eat breakfast for dinner. I enjoyed making my own decisions without having to ask' can I go out with the girls' to another person. I finally made my own decisions, had my own thoughts and my own life....and figured we cannot have ALL so I settled for part. I was still searching for the other part..there was more to come I was told along time ago.
I was in a Church, no not of my faith, but the Minister had told me then, when I asked him "Why God, Why was I destined to live on alone'. He looked me in the eyes, and told me at once. 'BEcause God had destined you for something Big'...Big I questioned, where should I look. He said to me, just live your life, as you will and you should. And so, through the years I asked my 'walls in my house', Where was the 'big thing' that I was destined to do. I had tears in my eyes as year after year passed and I found myself lonely and at times in despair but never gave up.
then one day, I had the urge to have cole slaw with my dinner. It was a wierd urge, unusual one, and could have easily been fixed with buying a bottle of dressing and a bag of cole slaw. I never went to the store, but walked to my computer instead and into the search engine, typed in How to Make Cole Slaw.
I reached a site, my eyes opened wide. In front of me was a page of how to make cole slaw, but also a site. It was a writing site, someplace to be, and so I joined them, almost immediately. I printed out the recipe, How to Make Cole Slaw, and wrote an article of my own. I never left there, and it has been over a year now since that day. I learned how to write on a wiki How, I learned how to edit and add pictures to enhance, I learned how to use compute url, I sat at the computer almost day and night. It was like a habit, an obsession of sorts, but I learned from others, and I wrote even more. I never realized just how much I was improving the site, I never looked at figures, I just sat and wrote. then One Day Jack came to me, on the screen of course, as he lived in California, and little did I know, that he was the founder of this site that I found. He told me how much I had added and how much I gave....
I gave yes, but I received just as much. I taught by my writings, and learned as I wrote. I was now #1 Contributor, above all the rest, but most of all, I was older than all!!....I learned more from wiki than I would have ever imagined, about how to do all sorts of things just by sitting at home, at my computer.
I did not realize but my path was still open, in front of me, and all involving wiki. there were the interviews that were given and printed in first the New York times, and that in McCleans Magazine in Canada. I was being quoted in newspapers and more, and all the while taking the trip with wiki. The trip was taking turns, and I went right with it. It was exciting, and aggrevating at times. Jack and I worked very well, together we made a team of making wikiHow grow into the best and the biggest of all the wiki's...and we foughts at times, and got angry at each other at other times. I live in Florida, and he in California, so our fights were with our fingers and our minds....that clashed at times..as happens at times. But all the while our friendship grew and so did wiki.
One day I phoned the Orlando Sentinel, and told them about wiki and the sites of my publicity. They sent a reporter to my house to write, about me as a 76 year old, who loves and centers her life around computers. This it seems is rare in a Senior, of my age. The article was almost a full page, and took me on a path that I would never had surmised.
Wherever I went, people said hello, they had seen me in the newspapers. I felt like a celeb. I got in the mail a local newspaper, I read it and said, what the heck....I phoned the publisher, and asked for a job, I wanted to have a column geared for the Seniors. I wanted to help them, to wake up and live, and enjoy their life, for as long as they had. He hired me (no pay of course) and a column was born with my name underneath. Another dream of mine has just come true!! two fold, because I had always wanted to see my name in print, and also help others.
My name was in print on the web...no matter where you looked my name appeared. Just had to search for Sondra Crane, and article after article showed up with my name. Now with the newspaper, my name would appear, where those who did not have computers would know who I was. I was helping those on the web. Now I would help those who did not know how to even use a computer, as well as those that did.
I had woman call me, to find friends for them. Another one offered friendship, something I lacked.
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